5 Too-Serious Sex Toys That Will Make You Scream For All The Wrong Reasons

Um, not even a handsome billionare could talk us into trying these.

5 Too-Serious Sex Toys That Will Make You Scream For All The Wrong Reasons
Photo by izusek/Getty Images

As their name clearly implies, sex toys are fun. Both words are great, and when paired together? Even better.

There are people that earn their living by coming up with sex toy ideas, all with the purpose of keeping the public interested and making them come back for more. Most of the time this works, but sometimes it doesn’t. While researching on this vast area of interest we encountered some sex toys that left us wondering: 1) why the hell does this even exist, and 2) why? oh god why?

Check out these 5 sex toys that’ll make you scream for all the wrong reasons:

A10 Cyclone SA

First of all, this is just a horrible name. It brings to mind a natural disaster or Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Terminator instead of something that’s supposed to be sexy and intimate. The Cyclone was designed in Japan and was advertised as a sex toy that’s works more like a home appliance, because that isn’t creepy at all. The device looks like a big cylinder and can be plugged into your computer or your phone. It also has 7 different speeds. Again, creepy. 


TimeToSquirt is a wrist-watch that was probably designed by some creep to provide a guiding hand when it comes to women and their squirting orgasms.  Fear not, that’s not all the service TimeToSquirt provides; by purchasing the gadget you’ll also gain access to the ultimate guide that explains the necessary techniques for giving someone a squirting orgasm. There are no words for expressing how bad this is.


We’re so over the names. All criticism aside, this is actually a pretty impressive piece of technology that has two parts that work in sync and complement each other. The male part is called Zeus and the female part is called Hera (not very original). By having a partner stimulate one piece, the other one will react to it. It’s okay if you don’t understand this description, we have a video, porn-y music included.


So this is technically not a sex toy but an app meant to be paired up with the Google Glasses, allowing the person to see sex from their partner’s perspective. Who funded this?

You can even pair your phone with the app so that you can see the sex you’re having from the angle of the device’s camera. So basically, Glance expects you to wear glasses and to use your phone while your having sex. Great idea.


Hotdoll isn’t exactly for humans but it is a sex toy. For dogs. The makers pride themselves on creating the first sex doll for man’s best friend. Please leave them out of this. Please.


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